Is a fat girl always a fat girl, no matter what her size?

I have to confess...I'm a fraud...a complete and total fraud...


At least that's how I felt as I roamed the aisles of our local Old Navy store. Now, I have never been in ON. Why? Hello....! I'm a fat girl. Who thinks ON has fat girl clothes? And how in the heck did I get here anyway??

Well, I think I made my last trip to Catherine's. The smallest sized pants they have are a 16 and The Angel now looks like she is swimming in 16s (Yay me!) Do you know how long it's been since I've been too small to shop in plus-sized stores? *I* don't even remember how long it's been. I've been pretty bummed out that our local Target store no longer has a big girl department so I was just ...confused...as to where to go. So...as I was looking around Target....picking up a cute little Hello Kitty thingie for Sam (who still hasn't seen it cuz we just seem to pass in the night these days) I kind of slinked ...slunk?...to the women's department of Target ...they had jeans...real jeans..with a button and a zipper and everything...and they were a 14! Well, I thought...even if I don't fit into them now, I will soon...so I picked them up and brought them back. No harm in trying them, my pea-brain said....I don't know, answered my heart. The waist looks pretty tiny. So I put one leg in...and then the other...and then up they came...nice and snug on my thighs (it's okay, I've got regular sized thighs..it's just when you get above the thighs that the trouble begins...I'm an apple!) Now...to button...OMG...they buttoned...and zipped! I have *real* jeans ...from the regular department. ME! Okay, so they are a bit long..cuz I'm not. But they fit! They fit me! I was soooo excited...now, if I only had the butt ...but that's another blog altogether!.

So, the next day I decided to face one of my fears and go into Old Navy. I know, it's not like Saks or some huge store, but I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes I only hope to wear for a few months (til I can get something smaller) Cashiers asked me if they could help me..when all I could imagine them thinking is..."What is *she* doing here? Like we have anything that big?!" I went all the way to the back...the sales racks....not only did they have my 14s, but they had stuff in 16 and 18 and even a few sizes bigger! I got 3 pairs of pants there for the same price I would have gotten 1 pair at Catherine's. I know that you use more material for bigger clothes, but the prices are ....wow...that's all I can say. And then I went to Kohl's..yeah, I think they have a big girl department but you know what? I didn't want to go there. I went to the first rack I walked past and picked up the first jeans I saw. Lol...Gloria Vanderbuilt...all I could think was...I would have killed for them back in junior high...

So, I've got myself a few pairs of pants in my "new" size (although I don't get to wear them yet cuz they are being shortened...as we speak) and it feels wierd. I feel wierd. I know that it's not like I've lost a lot of weight. But I'm also getting smaller clothes. Clothes that flatter my new shape. As Tajuana has pointed out (and Erika too about a year or so ago), I tend to wear big clothes. They are roomy and comfy and I don't have to think about anyone seeing...the rolls (and I'm not talking Royce..roflmao) but with these smaller sizes I've been wearing, I tend to be more self-conscious. My one saving grace is that my chest is still up and out ...lol. Thank goodness for the girls..they make me so proud! Lol...

Anyway, I guess we are getting into the TMI portion of our blog...so going back to my first question....is a fat girl always fat, no matter what her size? Am I destined to always feel like the biggest one in the room? And if I am....is that a bad thing or a good thing?

My type? How about ...with a pulse?

I've been threatening to do this post for a while now so I guess I might as well stick it in here (besides, Sam's just updated her blog so I have to keep ahead of her!)

Have you ever thought back to when your "type" became your type? Well, I've spent the last couple of weekend mornings doing just that while on the lengthy drive to work. I know that Sam thinks that I only have one type...but there really are two types that I go after.

The first type is the "big guy". I'm not talking huge here..but big guys. I've actually traced it back to..geeeezz....7th grade, y'all. He was in my math class and hurt his back and couldn't come to school. The teacher asked if anyone wanted to write him letters. Well, you all know me...I was writing notes even back then. We wrote for a long time and when he came back, it seemed a bit odd (just like when you only talk to someone online and then meet them in person) but we ran in the same circles and became boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. We would break up and then make up and it went back and forth all the way through high school and even for a bit after high school. He was my "first" in a lot of ways....but not the one way that I wished he was. I always look back on him with fondness and imagine my surprise when I was in Texas ....Texas...so many many miles away from SoCal....and I was in a tiny little town in Texas too. Not Dallas, Houston....San Antonio...but a tiny little town. What are the chances that the two of us would be in that same tiny town? For who knows how long and not have run into each other? OMG....the odds are astronomical! And he was still...sigh...the ying to my yang. From books to movies to...even careers...we were on the same wavelength. Even now, I figure that when I'm a million years old and in that little retirement home, I'm gonna look around and there he will be.

Anyway...he was the first of many big guys that have captured my heart...if not just my body (roflmao) Don't worry, no dirty little details...but my Telford was always there as well. He knows that he will always be a part of my heart and my life even if he won't come back to Cali.

But there's always been another type. The skinny, quiet...alright..NERDY guy. He isn't in the midst of any clique. He keeps to himself, which then makes me want to talk to him and think that he is so "deep". LOL...and believe it or not, I can trace this back to 7th grade as well! I'm not going to mention his name other than to say....if you saw "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", you saw him. There's always been one of my quiet guys...from Pac Bell...AT&T...and yeah, even now where I am. I know better than to act on anything where I am but it's always nice to look. I never want to become like the Jessica Rabbit that we have at work. At Xmas, I have this shirt that says "Ho Ho Ho" on it...I call it my Jessica shirt. (Yes, Sam...I *did* just say that). I wonder if she even has a clue what people say about her....she must, right?

Okay, well I've gotten this out of my system and out of my brain so now I can think about other things.

I'm going out to see the meteor shower....I almost feel like one of my Sims3 characters....I actually had Pink out there watching a meteor shower...roflmao...okay...have a goodnight my peeps.....

"Don't you....forget about me....don't don't don't you"

I read, with such sadness, about the loss of John Hughes. He was *the* director of my generation and it's a shame to lose someone so young. I've written just about everywhere of my love for "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" because it was filmed in my high school while I was going there. Yes, it ages me...but I've learned to accept my age (mostly because I don't look it! roflmao) Looking through his roster of movies (I'm sure Italo will have a better blog about it with more pics. I'm just the writer, ya know)I forgot all that he'd given us.

Yes, there was "Breakfast Club"..which seems to be on cable all the time and I always stop to watch. I love the ending with Molly and Judd Nelson. Yeah, I went to elementary school with her...Colfax Elementary in North Hollywood--they bussed us valley kids to Hollywood...lol. It's where Cuba Gooding, Jr. protected me from the love of my life at that time. Where people whispered about Molly and Kim Fields because they only showed up at school once every three months. Where I had my first "real" boyfriend...such as it was.

Ah, but I digress..anyway... there was also..."Only the Lonely". John Candy (another great and powerful loss)...I don't feel that it got the recognition it deserved cuz it was my favorite John Candy movie...Don't just watch the interation between him and his mother, but when he first starts to ask out Alley Sheedy...giving her a list of excuses to pick from...sigh....yeah, I can relate.

So, tonight, pick your favorite John Hughes movie...maybe for you it's "16 Candles"...and Long Duck Dong (roflmao) but just smile for John..I'm sure he's smiling down on us....

Wait...no...W-e-i-g-h-t!

So, I'm making sure that I do a blog entry before I go back to Sims3 (which is so addicting, it's a miracle I make it to work sometimes!)

I'm not even really sure anyone reads these, but I really feel that I have to put this into words. I don't talk about it really with anyone other than my mom because I'm not really one to blow my own horn, ya know?

As of today, the Angel is 18.2 lbs lighter than she was on her (gulp) 41st birthday. It's been almost 10 weeks that I've been back to the big WW. Being (gulp) over 40, diabetic (blah..and at least 3rd generation , at that), from a fat family (again, at least 3 generations back) and not the most athletic person (have you ever seen someone fail PE in high school? I did-twice!Can't pass if you don't participate! lol) it's hard to lose weight. The entire time I was in Texas -10 years- I weighed 220...I couldn't remember any time that I'd been under 200. No matter what I ate, it didn't go up...but it didn't go down either. I blamed my weight on being home and figured that once I was out on my own that I would automatically do "the right thing". Nope...

Once I got back to Cali it took ...hmmm..about a year maybe before Mom decided she wanted to try Weight Watchers again and I went along with her. My mom and dad had been long time WW starters and restarters. Mom and I found a great meeting! The "trainer", Michelle, is a great motivational speaker and I loved going. Michelle was from South Africa so she had a marvelous accent (that Mom sometimes didn't quite understand) and so we went every week. Of course, after every meeting we had to reward ourselves with a trip to the fast food place of our choice! I've been trying to figure out how much weight I lost...I know I was under the 200s...like in the high 190s at that point. I learned how to manipulate how I used my points and not quite sure I followed all the rules. If I felt I did't lose anything, we just didn't go to meetings! (lol) After a while, we stopped going and I felt that I had gained everything back ( I really didn't)

So, I had been thinking more and more about going back --and those darling commercials with the furry "Hungry" character were very tempting-but wasn't sure I was up for more meetings, especially with still having to make sure someone was available to watch Molly. So, I'm trying WW online. No meetings but with their blogs and message boards, I get all of the assistance I need. But this time....I'm following the plan better and actuall excersizing. ME! ME? Yeah, ME! I started out at 30 minutes and now am up to over an hour--50 minutes on the bike and 17 1/2 on our eliptical machine--and using resistance, not just moving, but moving hard! I try to do at least 3 days a week. Molly and I also take a 2 mile walk on Tuesdays & Wednesdays. I swore that when we got her, I would walk her all the time ---but I don't. About 1/2 of the walk is uphill and I'm always so proud of myself when I get up that hill...but Molly's the only one who hears my "YEAH!" when I get there...roflmao.

Some big surprises this time....Hummus...omg...I love hummus now. When I get home from work, I have some precut (by me--I set up 5 bags on Wed and fill them w/ radishes and sugar snap peas)veggies and 4 tbs of hummus (2 points for the Athenos brand, thankyouverymuch!) and it fills me up. I'm eating a ton of veggies this time--1 yellow or orange bell pepper and a tomato at lunchtime--ask any of my co-workers. I'm known for my 'matoes now. I've even started adding some flax seed...flax seed? What the heck am I doing with flaxseed? Who knows, but I know it can only help, not hurt me and I don't taste it, so I put some in my morning oatmeal and some in my hummus and I'm good to go. Oh...and something else I've discovered is Vitatops...they are like muffin tops and come in some great flavors like Banana Nut, Peanut butter chocolate, Dark chocolate and pomagranate and even a corn one. They've got only 100 calories and tons..tons..of fiber. I have one for my morning snack (again, 2 points)at work and then one for dessert. They even have one that is sugar free...w/only 80 calories. Yeah for the Angel!

So, am I just being *sooooo* perfect? Hell to the NO! I've decided that instead of having a "cheat day" every week, I only have one once a month. On the anniversary, so every 29th or 30th, I head over to Mickey D's or Carl's Jr and pick up a burger and small (yes, small!) fries. I only have red meat once a week, at the most. When I pick up anything at the market, I use my little WW calculator to figure out the points..."is it worth it?" is my new matra.

So...I'm around 50lbs less than I was in Texas (stop calculating, I'm never gonna tell you the exact number so just stop it right now!) However...I'm still wearing the same size clothes. It's time to get rid of the fat Angel...I always felt that if I got the bigger clothes, they would skim right over the fat parts...roflmao. I always wanted to dress that way than to wear something skin tight where you could see the rolls (yeah, there's this girl at work...J...no, not gonna put her whole name, but the girl is ghetto w/ a capital G...who maybe doesn't know she's fat?) but I think I maybe can move out of the 3x that I'm used to buying. Boys and girls, I bought some things at Target today that are just an xl. In the regular girls department (that's cuz they don't have a big girl's dept at my Target anymore...can you believe that shit?) So, I'm going through my closet and getting rid of a lot of stuff...cleaning out the fat clothes....

Okay, I've rambled long enough...I miss my Sims...Wish I could tell you more about the family--Pink Princess (mom), Blue Brosnan (dad), Purple Rain (son) and Autumn Harvest (daughter)--roflmao....I named the mom Pink because Pink's song "So What" is my excersize saver! It is *the best* song to get you going...I owe her one for that.

"So what...I'm still a rock star. I've got the rock moves..."