Is it January 2nd yet?

I think I mentioned about ten days ago about how I was ready for the holidays to be over. Yup, still at that same spot. Everyone's rushing around and making me rush with them. I have so many ideas of things I want to do ...and most of it just goes to shit. I can be a bit of a perfectionist at times (it's part of that OCD thing that pops it's ugly head up sometimes) and when something doesn't go right, it just throws off my whole day. You can sit there and say "Dena, don't let it bother you, it's okay." ...but it all sounds like "blah blah blah" to me. I'm overly emotional, very touchy these days. Trying to help everyone that I want to help and yet being pushed into doing things that I'm just ....too tired...to deal with.

I want to just sit and learn how to play Second Life so that I can make something out of what Sam is trying to teach me. My second life is turning into too much of my first life...sitting on the couch, in a beautiful house (okay, apartment, so shoot me!) waiting for life to come to me. I'm too shy and bashful to say things to people that I want to. Too afraid of life and what it might bring. Too scared to hear the truth....or what I may be perceiving as the truth but it really isn't. (okay, waaaaayyyy too much paranoia in that sentence!) I'm not a patient person, although I'm trying my best to be...We live in a want it now/got it now society. My mom's words of wisdom today were "Don't push". I'm trying not to because I think I might have found something special and like looking at a beautiful lion figurine in the store, I'm afraid that if I reach out, I just might break it into a million pieces. To quote Baby Houseman "Me? I'm afraid of everything" " I'm afraid of never feeling the way I feel when I'm with you."

I think I'm just ....too tired. Tired of always being happy...tired of always smiling because I know that people don't like to be around unhappy people. I'm waiting for some blonde bimbo (who, one of these days is going to have her picture on someone's blog) to say something so that I can just rip her a new one. I wish I had one of those boxing dummies. I need to get some aggression out because it's just driving me crazy.

So, instead, I'm going to go bake some sugar cookies for Sam & Dennis as sort of a thank you for the ride to the big party ...and for putting up with me and all that I am....

P.S @ 5 30
Oh...and I finally figured out how to make this blog blue because blue *is* my signature color (my little homage to Steel Magnolias) and as you can see from above, I figured out that little exclamation point issue ;)

6:20
I don't even know if this post is going to last til morning...it may self destruct somewhere in the night.Afterall, who wants to read the bad, scary stuff? So if you come back and it's gone, it's because I came to my senses, pulled my head up out of the dark abyss it's in right now, pulled up my big lady underwear and dealt with it.